James

I call James my miracle baby. I am still here today because of him.

James was by far my most difficult pregnancy. Not as in the pregnancy itself but in life at the time.

It was February 2010, I had wanted another baby, Michael did not. As far as he was concerned we were done. For our anniversary weekend we went out to Salt Lake City for a get away. That evening I was laying on the bed on my stomach and as I went to stand up I felt this tiny tug way down low in my abdomen that I have only ever felt when I was pregnant. That got me thinking and I realized that I was 3 days from being six weeks.I wanted so badly to go to the store and get a test right then but I didn't want to say anything to Michael yet. So I just kept it in.

On Monday morning as soon as I had dropped kids off at school I stopped at the store and got a test. As I suspected it was positive.

One afternoon that week I had to take my oldest son to see his counselor. She wanted to talk to me, because she could see that I was really depressed, while with her I told her that I was pregnant. I still laugh at her response. She was surprised, but not in a good way.  I was so severely depressed at the time and was actually suicidal. But I hadn't told her that yet. That evening she called me to apologize for her reaction and what she had said. While we were on the phone I was able to then tell her that I had been suicidal for quite a few weeks. I was able to set up weekly appointments with her and a safety plan to keep myself safe.

So back to the pregnancy. I finally told Michael, in a text, that I was pregnant. He wasn't thrilled, but he took it better than I thought he would. I continued to struggle with depression and the suicidal thoughts would come and go. But I had made a conscious choice once I knew that I was pregnant. I had given that baby life, that baby deserved a chance to live and I didn't have the right to make that decision otherwise. It was still hard to remember that and keep myself safe.

The months passed, baby was growing great. I didn't keep track as well with this one as I did with the others so I hope I'm getting my facts straight. At about week 31 5/7 I think I started to feel contractions pretty regularly, I had Dr. Nolte check me and I was dilated to a 1. At week(Monday) 33 5/7 I told him that I really felt like we needed to get the Group B strep test done. I know it was 2 weeks earlier than he normally did it I just felt like it needed to be done.

On Tuesday evening I was contracting pretty regularly, I was hoping that when I went to bed they would quit as they had the last few nights. I went to bed about 10:00. At about 1:00 I woke up to a huge gush of fluid. Now this was the second time I'd been woken up by the gush, and I could definitely say that this was a gush. The first one was a trickle compared to this. I wasn't aware of the time yet just that Michael was in the bathroom. I figured that it was about 5:00 and he was getting ready for work. I called out to him that my water had broken. He later said that he first thought I was just joking.

So off to the hospital we went. I don't remember much of the details. I think when they first checked me I was just barely a 2 or 3. They hooked me up to all the wires and contraptions they have, he had a fetal monitor on his head. I couldn't stand to just sit in the bed so I was constantly up and down going to the bathroom. I know that actually helped me to move along faster. Having the contractions in the bathroom was a lot easier. I wasn't used to it taking so long, as my earlier deliveries had mostly been within two to three hours of my water breaking. I knew it was finally time when I came back from the bathroom at one point and almost couldn't get back into the bed because of the contraction. Finally without warning I felt like I had to push. The nurse checked me and I believe I was at 9ish. They got Dr. Nolte in there. He got suited up and was standing in the corner talking to another nurse when it just rolled over me and I pushed him out,I think it was only two pushes. It was a good thing that the bed was still together because there wasn't anyone there to catch him. I sat up and pulled him closer to me and checked him out. Dr. Nolte came over and picked him up and laid him on me for a minute before they cut the cord and took him over to the corner to assess him. His apgar score was a 9, really good.

We had discussed names but hadn't agreed on anything. Michael wanted Ervin, after his grandfather. I was okay with that as a middle name. I wanted him to be James but I couldn't get Michael to agree to that.  So that morning as we were waiting for him to make his appearance we finally decided on his name. I guess I kind of told Michael what it was going to be because he hadn't come up with anything else.

He was a beautiful dark haired wonder. At first when Michael told me his weight and height they were identical to Ammon's who was my other 34 week baby. But once I got them straightened out he actually weighed 4 lb. 15 oz. and was 17 inches long. He spent a little bit of time in the nursery under the warmer but was actually discharged after 2 days.