James

I call James my miracle baby. I am still here today because of him.

James was by far my most difficult pregnancy. Not as in the pregnancy itself but in life at the time.

It was February 2010, I had wanted another baby, Michael did not. As far as he was concerned we were done. For our anniversary weekend we went out to Salt Lake City for a get away. That evening I was laying on the bed on my stomach and as I went to stand up I felt this tiny tug way down low in my abdomen that I have only ever felt when I was pregnant. That got me thinking and I realized that I was 3 days from being six weeks.I wanted so badly to go to the store and get a test right then but I didn't want to say anything to Michael yet. So I just kept it in.

On Monday morning as soon as I had dropped kids off at school I stopped at the store and got a test. As I suspected it was positive.

One afternoon that week I had to take my oldest son to see his counselor. She wanted to talk to me, because she could see that I was really depressed, while with her I told her that I was pregnant. I still laugh at her response. She was surprised, but not in a good way.  I was so severely depressed at the time and was actually suicidal. But I hadn't told her that yet. That evening she called me to apologize for her reaction and what she had said. While we were on the phone I was able to then tell her that I had been suicidal for quite a few weeks. I was able to set up weekly appointments with her and a safety plan to keep myself safe.

So back to the pregnancy. I finally told Michael, in a text, that I was pregnant. He wasn't thrilled, but he took it better than I thought he would. I continued to struggle with depression and the suicidal thoughts would come and go. But I had made a conscious choice once I knew that I was pregnant. I had given that baby life, that baby deserved a chance to live and I didn't have the right to make that decision otherwise. It was still hard to remember that and keep myself safe.

The months passed, baby was growing great. I didn't keep track as well with this one as I did with the others so I hope I'm getting my facts straight. At about week 31 5/7 I think I started to feel contractions pretty regularly, I had Dr. Nolte check me and I was dilated to a 1. At week(Monday) 33 5/7 I told him that I really felt like we needed to get the Group B strep test done. I know it was 2 weeks earlier than he normally did it I just felt like it needed to be done.

On Tuesday evening I was contracting pretty regularly, I was hoping that when I went to bed they would quit as they had the last few nights. I went to bed about 10:00. At about 1:00 I woke up to a huge gush of fluid. Now this was the second time I'd been woken up by the gush, and I could definitely say that this was a gush. The first one was a trickle compared to this. I wasn't aware of the time yet just that Michael was in the bathroom. I figured that it was about 5:00 and he was getting ready for work. I called out to him that my water had broken. He later said that he first thought I was just joking.

So off to the hospital we went. I don't remember much of the details. I think when they first checked me I was just barely a 2 or 3. They hooked me up to all the wires and contraptions they have, he had a fetal monitor on his head. I couldn't stand to just sit in the bed so I was constantly up and down going to the bathroom. I know that actually helped me to move along faster. Having the contractions in the bathroom was a lot easier. I wasn't used to it taking so long, as my earlier deliveries had mostly been within two to three hours of my water breaking. I knew it was finally time when I came back from the bathroom at one point and almost couldn't get back into the bed because of the contraction. Finally without warning I felt like I had to push. The nurse checked me and I believe I was at 9ish. They got Dr. Nolte in there. He got suited up and was standing in the corner talking to another nurse when it just rolled over me and I pushed him out,I think it was only two pushes. It was a good thing that the bed was still together because there wasn't anyone there to catch him. I sat up and pulled him closer to me and checked him out. Dr. Nolte came over and picked him up and laid him on me for a minute before they cut the cord and took him over to the corner to assess him. His apgar score was a 9, really good.

We had discussed names but hadn't agreed on anything. Michael wanted Ervin, after his grandfather. I was okay with that as a middle name. I wanted him to be James but I couldn't get Michael to agree to that.  So that morning as we were waiting for him to make his appearance we finally decided on his name. I guess I kind of told Michael what it was going to be because he hadn't come up with anything else.

He was a beautiful dark haired wonder. At first when Michael told me his weight and height they were identical to Ammon's who was my other 34 week baby. But once I got them straightened out he actually weighed 4 lb. 15 oz. and was 17 inches long. He spent a little bit of time in the nursery under the warmer but was actually discharged after 2 days.

Ethan

D&C 2

Erica

Emily

Miscarriage 2

lost baby

Annie

Annie was a fairly easy pregnancy. I went in for my 37 week check-up at 37 weeks and 3 days (Monday). He checked me and I was dilated to 4 1/2 centimeters. I thought for sure she was going to be coming soon. Thinking about it later I know that I was having pretty good contractions the next day while I was walking around the grocery store.

On Wednesday we took Ammon to his 18 month check-up with our pediatrician. She was in the finally few weeks of working in our clinic and was excited to meet this little girl. After his check-up she encouraged me to go to OB and get checked. So off we went, I really wasn't expecting anything different. They got me all set up in the NST room at 10:30 and on the monitors. I ate lunch, was just having a gay old time there. Finally at 12:30 a nurse checked me. I was surprised when she said I was at 6 centimeters. She was surprised that I had eaten lunch. Said she hoped I didn't lose it during delivery.

They called Dr. Nolte and he checked me at 1:00 where I had made it to 7 centimeters. At 1:30 he broke my water. Within 15 minutes I was having very strong contractions. I think I started pushing at 3:15, at one point I remember Dr. Nolte saying that she had a lot of dark hair and asked if I wanted to feel her head-I didn't; I guess I was a little grossed out at that. She was born at 3:17. She weighed 6 lbs. 14 oz. and was 20 inches long. I had one small tear that required two stitches.

When I look back on her delivery compared to the first two, it was a piece of cake. I still did it drug free, though I do remember asking for something halfway through transitioning.

She was just beautiful. Both of my boys were blond haired blue eyed handsome little boys. This little beauty had a head of dark hair and beautiful dark eyes. Her complexion was also a little more olive colored then the pale faced boys I had. She definitely had some of the Mexican blood from Michael's Grandma's family.

D&C 1

Around the first of April 2002 I was pregnant again. I had my checkup and blood work done. My HCG levels weren't very high which was discouraging. I continued to hope that things would develop but my levels never went very high and there never was anything in the sac.

Finally at week 12 I had a D&C. That was the hardest decision I had to make. I stressed over it the week before. It tortured me, how could any woman knowingly remove a growing baby from her body? The thought just killed me.

Ammon

I was having a hard time getting pregnant again and after seeing the Dr. we decided that I needed to go on some fertility drugs. Just some low dose Provera to kick start my periods, they had been wacky since my previous delivery, and some Clomid to make sure I was ovulating.

Finally the day came that I got that double line on the pregnancy test. I was both excited and scared. Excited because I wanted this; and scared because I had already lost a baby, it could happen again.

This pregnancy was a lot different than my previous one. I was losing weight instead of gaining it. I had monthly ultrasounds, sometimes twice a month. The doctor wasn't sure what was going on but the baby was growing and developing all right so he wasn't too worried.

Early in the morning on Tuesday, Nov. 6, at 34 weeks, a gush of water woke me up. I knew it was my water I just didn't want to admit it. Mostly it was because I still had 6 weeks left and it scared me to be going in already. I actually think things went a lot better for me because I hadn't had the time to work myself up.

 My husband was getting my almost 2 year old ready to take him to grandma's for the day. He had been going to grandma's once a week for some social interaction at her daycare. I didn't say anything to my husband and let him leave. I was in total denial. I got up twice and went to the bathroom. Every time I stood up there was more fluid, I couldn't pretend that it hadn't happened now. My husband was back in about 45 minutes and I told him what was going on. I was pretty sure that my water had broke but I didn't want to go to the hospital yet, he kept trying to get me to go and I kept stalling.

At 10:00 my visiting teaching partner showed up, we had appointments scheduled for that morning. When I told her what was going on she suggested that I go to the hospital. I finally called the doctor's office and the receptionist told me I should just go and get checked to make sure.

So after calling his mom we headed off to the hospital. They checked me and sure enough my water had broke. My doctor came in and talked to me. The pediatrician was also there and he wasn’t too sure that he wanted me to have him there just because I was so early. He finally agreed that I could stay there, but knowing that there was always the chance that I or the baby would have to be flown to another hospital.  I knew in my heart that things would be okay and I was glad that they let me stay with my doctor who I knew.

First I had an ultrasound the check on the baby's size and also to make sure that he was in the correct position to try for a VBAC. Since I had just done my strep B test and didn't have the results yet they had to hook up an IV and give me antibiotics. I was also hooked up to the fetal monitor, contraction monitor, a blood pressure cuff and the oxygen & pulse monitor. I felt like I was hooked up to every machine there was.

Finally at 3:00 they started the pit. By 3:45 I had a headache, felt nauseous, and then my chest got really tight and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then I started coughing and they wouldn't let me even have a sip of water to sooth my throat. They did stop the pit for about an hour before they started it up again. At about 6:00 I started feeling the contractions. Finally at 7:00 I was checked, I was so disappointed because I was only at a 3. It took another four hours just to get to a 5. By that time the contractions were awful and I was questioning if I could continue without an epidural. At 11:30 I was to an 8 and it wasn't too much longer before I hit that magic 10. My body was saying push and the doctor and nurse wanted me to wait for the pediatrician to get there. I said forget that. After it was over, he was born at 12:07 a.m., they said I only pushed for about 12 minutes. I remember right at the end the doctor saying something about not pushing because he was going to do an episiotomy. It was right then that I had the urge for a huge push and he came popping out. I did tear pretty good. I don't know exactly how many stitches I got the doctor just kept stitching and stitching some more. But when he finally popped out he had the cord wrapped around his neck four times. I got to see him for a minute as my doctor was unwrapping the cord and then he was handed over to the pediatrician. They cleaned him up there in my room and his first apgar score was an 8.  They showed him to me again and then off to the nursery he went where they put him in the warmer and put monitors and an IV on him.

After I was cleaned up and they finished pushing on my stomach, man I hated that, it was about 3:00. I finally got to get up and go to the nursery to see him. We had a real struggle because first they wouldn't let me nurse him, and the pumps just weren't doing it for me at all. Then when he was out of the warmer and I had the chance to try to nurse he wouldn't wake up. I finally gave up and had to give him a bottle. I knew he wasn't going to gain any weight just nursing and they wanted him to gain weight before they let him go home. He did spend a week in the nursery before he got to go home. At birth he weighed 4 lbs. 5 oz. and was 18 inches long.

Even though it hurt to go through the contractions and the pushing, I did feel a lot better, when it was all over, than I had with my first delivery.

I am very grateful that he came when he did, even though it was very early. The cord was just tight enough around his neck that if he had grown much more in there he never would have made it out alive.

Miscarriage 1

We went on a family vacation in June of 2000. Aaron was four and a half months old. It wasn't until we were on our way home that I realized that I was late, like two weeks late. So we stopped at a Wal-Mart and bought a test. Oh my, it was positive! I don't know if I was more scared or more excited. Scared because I had just had a C-section, and excited because we were having a baby.

It wasn't too many days later that I started spotting and cramping. I was in shock, I had no idea what to do. We went to the ER and the Dr, there checked me and was, in my opinion, very rude. He said that I wasn't pregnant. What?! I had taken two tests and they had both been positive. I never did understand why he said that. I did later pass a large clot/mass of tissue so I'm sure that I was.

Aaron

I was young, newly married and ecstatic when I found out we were expecting our first. I never dreamed I'd have any problems, I always pictured this perfect vaginal birth where the baby would be placed on my chest and would nurse right away. My mother had had 10 uncomplicated vaginal births, 1 UC birth at home; I didn't think I would have any problems. At my 36 week checkup the doctor told me I had pre-eclampsia and that he wanted me to stay on bed rest for the week. I had to have a nurse come to my home every day and check my blood pressure and swelling. Four days later I went back to the office for a checkup and he told me that he was sending me to the hospital; I would stay overnight and then would be induced in the morning. So off to the hospital I went. Heartbroken that I wouldn't be starting labor on my own when the time was right.

That night they gave me cervidil. In the morning things drug on and on. They finally hooked up my IV at about 10:00. I don't remember much of what happened after that, I do remember that the contractions were hard and strong and that they hurt, horribly. A little before 2:00 the doctor came in and sat by my bed for a few minutes, I remember him leaving the room and then all this commotion as the nurses rushed into my room. Apparently his heartbeat was dropping. I was rushed off to the operating room. I remember laying there on the table totally naked, alone and scared. First they told my husband he could suit up and come in and then they told him he couldn't come in.

I remember feeling the sting as they put in a few shots of local anesthesia on my lower tummy. And then the burn as they started cutting. I was going to do a drug free birth so I didn't have an epidural. When the call went out the anesthesiologist was five minutes from the hospital. I was later told that he got there just as they were cutting into my uterus. I remember a nurse standing at my head telling me to breathe in, and then I was gone.

When I woke up my baby was in the nursery. He wasn't doing too well and had to have some oxygen. I honestly don't remember much of what they told me was going on with him. I just remember I hurt like nothing I had ever felt before. I'm not sure how long I was out but it was awhile. They finally brought my beautiful baby boy to me. He was so tiny, 5 lbs. 9 oz. and 18 inches long. I know now after having more children and having them vaginally that I didn't have the same bonding with him as I did them.

Even though it was medically necessary to have him by c-section, the cord was in front of his head being smashed every time I had a contraction, I still feel like I failed in my birthing experience. My scar says I failed. I also feel like I failed at nursing him. At three weeks old he was admitted to the hospital because of failure to thrive. I have never felt like more of a failure then that day when I found out I was starving my child because my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to.